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[09 Oct 2004|05:44pm]
Hey everyone-
Sorry I haven't updated in a long-ass time.

Here's some of my "poems" if you will, to hold you over.


You know the tingly feeling before you have to pee?
Or the sense of gunpowder in your face before you barf?

That, my dear, is you.
You are the feeling in the pit of your stomach before your ass explodes in your pretty little pants.

I get such a gut feeling when you're around....
Like all those bodily functions combined.

It sucks.


Like an abandoned house
with a lingering soul;
Like faded scars from
wounds of old;

A pain in my arm
reminds me of you...
After time has past,
all left is a bruise.


Through the deterioration of us you find yourself.
But is that all? Is that all you find?

You find that you are just as much like anyone else,
Out of fuckin line.

I'm happy you are finally standing up for yourself.
But was it necessary to hold my head to the pillow with your hand at my neck?

I hope after we have died,
you will finally be able to live.


Never forget who was there when you started and ended each and every trying time.
Remember who was there inbetween?
Hiding, silently, waiting to be needed.
It didn't matter if I needed you or not,
you mattered to me more than myself.

Every night I cried myself to sleep wondering if I'd be able to talk to you the next day.
I knew I'd talk to you...
Seeming so happy I couldn't possibly bring you down.
But that didn't matter- I'd hold it inside.
I'd wear a smile anyway
and wait for you with open arms.


Three fingers brushed my arm
followed by a glance and a smile.
His eyes met mine.
No words.
Never has silence meant so much.


Hope you enjoyed.
Please remember to comment.
speak loud

[19 Jul 2004|10:20am]
He's Mister All-America.
speak loud

[11 Jun 2004|11:49pm]
i'm amanda. i like to use this as my personal personal journal. altho my personal entries are to remain private. i wonder when my last public entry was posted. anyway, since i last wrote EVERYTHING and EVERYONE has changed. the people i was tight with, i'm not. the people i wasn't tight with, i am. i don't get it. i mean, as bitter and angry i am, i really am content with everything. i am myself. i was like this earlier this year and all i got was complaints. so now i just keep reminding everyone that i know what i'm doing and that i like it. which i think is exactly what is going on with people i used to be close with. like with sarah, we were best friends since kindergarten, matching headbands, trolls, candles, dolls, teddybears. when we each lost a parent, we would stay up late talking about how if we couldn't have our mom/dad back, if our dad/mom could get married that would be awesome. because we would be real sisters, not just stupid blood sisters or "bffs." then we lost touch and it kills me so much. i miss her i miss her i miss her. and annie, she seems so happy, and i'm happy for her. i do miss her, but if she's happier and i am too.. what are you going to do about it? ... and liz, i miss her so much. i really do. it brings tears to my eyes that we don't talk at all anymore. i made eye contact with her the otherday, it was so weird, i havent done that in months. it was just.. idk, i'm going to get emotional. ..... . . . ...then there is jeff.. i'm not going to deny, i still have feelings for him. it so stupid, naive and short-lived, i should be over it. i know why i broke up with him, it was with good reason.. but he was so caring and loving, we could have worked through it. he gave me so many chances to work thru it over the summer, but i didnt grab one of them at all. not only does that make me an idiot, it makes me liar. i told him that during the summer , nvm. i need to get over it, just like i need to get over the situations with sarah and with liz and with annie. i love them all with all my heart, but i miss them and that will make it harder.

i guess i should start counting my blessings instead of my unfortunates. i mean, i still have kim who i know i can always count on. her family is just like my second family. she and i have traditions and inside jokes and eachothers clothes. heh. and sam, he's my pride and joy, always listening to my bitching every single night until he makes me go to sleep. makign fun of me for my suck-ass music. and erin, she never fails to put a smile on my face.

i don't even know who reads this anymore. i should stop before i upset someone, you know how eljay drama starts.
watch this will come back and fuck me in the ass. *sigh*
7 avoid the 5th |speak loud

[04 Jan 2004|02:21am]
crying for love as if
i were dying today,
you'd look at me
and just walk away.

i know that.
what i said is a lie.
really you would
stay by my side.

as close as can be,
as far as you're still.
as silent as the mouse,
as cold as the chill.

i can give my all
and i'll take what i get.
for you give me little,
yet with it, i'm set.

i'd rather you be here
than a place unknown.
for you by my side
is all that i know.

so pretend that you love me.
let this pain cease.
stand nearby in silence.
let me die in peace.
speak loud

[26 Dec 2003|11:29pm]
I realized that these are the friends
that will always be there for me.
These are the people that
I can vent to endlessly
and will tell me to shut up
if I get annoying.
These are the people that
I can have tons of fun with
and most of the jokes never get old.
We can argue,
but it will be done with as soon as it started.

These are my friends and I love them.
speak loud

[24 Dec 2003|04:24pm]
The day you realize Santa was never real is the last day of your childhood. Besides, if Santa (of all things to believe in) isn't real, then there is no chance that the Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy are going to survive past that day.
speak loud

[17 Dec 2003|08:22pm]
fuck people and their innocent stares
fuck them, they don't fuckin care
fuck the world, then smile with pride
welcome, this is my fuckin landslide.
speak loud

[14 Dec 2003|07:20pm]
i sit in the cold. inside. in front of an open door. he walks in. he sees me. he sits close to me on the bench. he puts his arm around me. "now, what are you doin' sitting here all alone? and so late at nite?" i give him nothing but a smile. we used to be friends. goods friends. then popularity took him. he is rich. he plays lacrosse. and soccer. he spikes his hair with gel. wears abercrombie and finch. i am the opposing team. yet we sit together on the bench as equals. his warmth reminds me of better days. she walks in the open door. she flashes her pearly whites at him. i neglect his response. she spys me. her eyes pierce mine with a threat unable to conceive kindness. he removes his arm from my shoulders. she: the beautiful goddess of his desire. me: a rat. a plague from his past. that is all i will ever be. her kind took a friend so true. she: a warrior of her kind takes him once again. maybe one day i will say more than a smile.
left alone on the bench i sit. i ponder of my past. my mistakes. my inablities to use my wisdom. i wonder if i have any wisdom anymore. a child of 4 or 5 stands in my lost view of the wall. "hello. like my new shoes?" she dances around as her soles light up with every step. i wish my soul would shine that bright. i respond with a smile. "leave that stranger alone." her mother jumps in my view and grabs her child. the mother has the same peircing eyes at the goddess of darkness. i am lost in my thoughts again.
i am probably the stupidest person i will ever meet. every time i look in the mirror i see what they see. the mother. the goddess. they both see a pathetic waste of oxygen. that is what i will always be. me.
speak loud

[14 Dec 2003|06:42pm]
Last night I dreamt the trees were talking,
as the ceiling fans began to sing.
The tables began to dance around,
as the Virgin Mary kneeled and prayer.
My secrets spilled out of my diary,
as my mind fell on the floor...
The candles burst into flame like the sun,
and the hairties flew across the air.

I dreamt the lamps were daisies,
swaying to the sounds...
provided by the instruments
as they paraded above the ground.
Every appliance was mingling,
the jewelery boasted of their stones,
the dishes twirled below the ceiling,
as I held onto my secret zone.

I dreamt the mirrors were windows;
windows to the past.
The grill was roasting hot dogs
for the guests who chosen't to fast.
The brooms and mops were hovering
slightly above the the floor.
Then as I woke it all was done,
and I secretly wished for more.
speak loud

[14 Dec 2003|06:40pm]
once upon a time a girl head banged at a concert. awaiting the show that she longed for since the storm, she shared stories of her scars, their history, their impact on her skin. the lights dimmed. the music screamed. she longed for the taste of brad's spit, and unfortunately it hit her cheek instead. chester's sweat ran from his forehead with the emotion of many thoughts in one. his face cryed the tears of a million dying fans. but dying they weren't. instead they moshed steadily in the smoke. mike soothed the tensious beats with the flow of his voice. the girl felt the undertone of darren's bass-ic beats in her barely-there gut. joe mixed through it all, while rob held the beat with his sticks. she rocked and rocked hard. she was tired and wanted to collapse, but the energy kept her going. for an hour later she rocked. then it was done. the banging, the rocking, the moshing, the pit. it all was done. the girl went home and the echos of her night cried her to sleep. she slept that night with a smile. knowing she could now die a happy death.
speak loud

[14 Dec 2003|06:10pm]
i'm sick of people telling me how to think and who to be.
just let me live life from day to day
and let make my own mistakes
i just dont understand how friends can think in ways
that make me seem i'm living in all of the wrong ways.
i change my looks for variety
not because i need approval.
and no matter how i look
my eyes are always hazel.
speak loud

[14 Dec 2003|06:09pm]
all i want to do is breathe,
to stop all this suffering.
i want to lift my arms up
way up high and sing...

sometimes you get me down
and make my life a living hell,
but when the time is right,
you're there to make sure all is right.

i want to hold my head up high,
and show the world just who i am.
all i want to do is breathe,
and not to fuckin' give a damn.

i want to not care so much
about people that don't care about me.
i want people to just leave me alone
if they won't even let me breathe.

but its scary to think that
you're the one i hate.
yet you're the one thats there for me
when i feel like its my dying day.

i want to be like we used to be.
i want to take my own advice,
i want it to be us against the world,
and not you against me.
speak loud

[09 Dec 2003|10:35pm]
I finally understand just what it means to feel something other than pain, and I am not lying when I say that it doesn't feel too bad either. I'll admit that there are still negative things in my life, but no longer shall they consume my very exsistence. With pure hope, I wonder if I shall feel this happiness for very long. But as that beautiful apple sits on the counter, I also conceal a part of me not many know of. The bruised side, and the scars. I may only seem as though my life hasn't any scars. But whether the scars stay or disappear, the pain is still embedded in my skin like the branding of a mule's hide. I wish happiness could brand me and make me its possession. That would be a scar producing no shame, and I would flaunt it like my newest handbag from the local thrift store. And, that branding mark of happiness would be not a scar, but a beauty mark. And, it then would represent my true bliss.
speak loud

[07 Dec 2003|09:23pm]
another weekend gone by, same as the others. useless things accomplised, does that make them worthy of accomplishing because of the sole purpose that that were accomplished? another weekend gone by, same people seen, same as any other. i ate cookies today, like anyone cares. another weekend gone by, another useless weekend.
speak loud

[07 Dec 2003|04:37pm]
No one ever wants me around.
Never once have I felt loved.
The hugs and kisses are all for show,
my smile is a big facade of...
the regrets I cover with laughter,
the tears I conceal with joy.
Wish by wish, I dream my soul away,
and pretend its life I enjoy.
Maybe in time I'll fancy life,
and savor it with zeal
Maybe with time I'll understand,
just how pure love feels.
speak loud

[07 Dec 2003|01:55am]
i love the way you call me bitch
when the world has got me down.
little things that cheer me up never fail
to turn upside-down my frown.

i love how you're so blunt with me
about the error in my ways.
you never make me upset at all.
or at least thats what i like to say...

our friendship has had its ups and downs,
three-sixtys, lefts and rights,
we have never talked for weeks on end,
because of our petty little fights.

but honestly i have to say,
excuse me if i shout,
that you are my best friend of all.
i have absolutely no doubt.
speak loud

[20 Jul 2003|11:52pm]
This Journal Is Friends-Only.

(Except of course for the journal entries that aren't because they aren't mine. They are Clarence's from when we shared a journal. She can now be found at her very own journal: poke_the_corpse.)

Anyway, add and be added.
4 avoid the 5th |speak loud

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